Volume Five

They're sellin' razor blades and mirrors in the street

2009-12-18T01:52:00.000-08:00

I guess I forgot about this outlet for a while. If a doctor were to tell me I had a tumour slightly larger than a cricket ball somewhere between my stomach and liver at the time of my last post, I'd have been devastated. When they did so last week it was the biggest relief of my life.

For months I've been getting bad reflux and indigestion and the doctors sent me for obscure tests, prescribed antibiotics and for the most part didn't seem interested. It took 4-6 weeks between tests because nobody had the time. Then 3 weeks ago today I got in for an ultrasound, I now presume it was for gallstones. Which were also found. However what was interesting was the other thing they found. An unidentifiable mass. I got the weekend to sweat it then a CT on the Monday which revealed it was an extremely large lymph node. Apparently the only realistic cause is lymphoma (a cancer). The other possibility according to the internet is AIDS. Although Lymphoma is most common to people in their 20's.

So that week I had to see an oncologist and a surgeon and I was admitted to hospital the following Monday (last week) to have it biopsied(as there are many different forms of Lymphoma). At this point I was aware that 80% of cases fall into one category which had roughly 50% chance of surviving 10 years, while the other 20% of cases had 92% chance of survival. At this point it was definitely lymphoma by all accounts. That works out to be less than 60% chance of survival based on what I knew at the time.

I put on a fairly brave face to the people I spoke to but in reality I had never been so scared. A very difficult thing to try to come to terms with.

So the tumour mentioned above has been the best news I could have received really. They misdiagnosis was because the kind of tumour they found is extremely rare. What are the odds?

Anyway I'm still sitting around at home since the fucker was in a bad spot and they had to slice me right open to get at it. Through a whole lot of stomach muscle too. Back in on the 4th of Jan to cut it out.

Making our way back from Mars

2009-04-18T19:33:00.000-07:00

I feel like time is going so quickly lately. I haven't really been properly bored in so very long. Because with this Ph.D. I feel like I should constantly be doing something, so whenever I find myself just sitting with nothing to do I tend to appreciate it a whole lot more.

I'm already almost 4 months into it and feel like it's going absolutely nowhere. I'm not even remotely close to being able to do anything constructive. I just keep reading new stuff, and I've spend ages reading about something and trying to understand it, then got put onto something completely different and now I'm trying to learn and understand that.
I have however realised recently that I still remember stuff I learnt last year.

It's my birthday in a few days. I'm turning 23. Fuck.
I wish I had planned some kind of party but I don't have a venue that would be big enough for an awesome one and a small one would probably turn out average.

apt post

2009-03-09T03:22:00.000-07:00

Well it seems like an apt time to update.

BOOBS on channel 9.

Hmmm, that's actually an unintentional segue onto something I was going to mention. I have been far too easily distracted lately. I kept ending up talking to people today whether it was on facebook or just people about the hallway. Mostly was people popping in my office though actually. Really did nothing today.

Back to not knowing what to do :S

Been a bit scattered lately too, like just dont quite feel all there. Hopefully thats just lack of sleep or something.

Still seeking independence. Going to investigate buying a studio apt. in a apt. building kinda thing.

Pearl Jam

2009-03-01T01:04:00.000-08:00

Well Nat found the busking license application form. It costs $20 for a 2 month license or $50 for a 6 month one, who else want's to get one with me?

Also still advertising for a house-mate or two. Somewhere between Carrum and Dingley Village ideally.

Things are going well with Jo. Originally we were both quite hesitant about getting into something for different reasons and it just kinda happened and it's going well.

The official uni semester starts tomorrow so there'll be lots of undergrads roaming about again and I'll feel another year older when I see all the new first years walking around. I have two physics lab this week but after it I have to only take one of them because I'll be committed to 3 maths classes too. Lots of moneys! No time though :(

Less than 4 weeks til qld. I'm stoked. Better try to shape up a bit before walking around shirtless all weekend lol

I am now a member of...

2009-02-25T20:27:00.000-08:00

Monash science society
Society of Physics, astronomy and maths
Chocolate club
Sri Lankan society
Philosophy club
Biomed society
Commerce
IT

Probably more

Not sick, not well

2009-02-19T21:43:00.000-08:00

Caffeine withdrawal sucks...

It is currently 4:48pm and I'm borderline passing out. Trying to spend all day learning stuff really wears you out more than most people would believe. I've spent the better part of the day sitting on this very chair and I am completely rooted.

In other news I recommend that everybody googles the black hole information paradox. Very interesting stuff. And is still very much unresolved.

up and down and back again

2009-02-18T01:19:00.000-08:00

Time seems to be passing so quickly atm, not sure why. Seems I failed at not going out midweek and wasted today as a result. Sigh.

Stoked about Queensland. Can't wait for it. It's gonna be awesome.

Seems semester is coming up, kinda looking forward to tutoring/demonstrating again. It seems I have 4 classes to teach this semester, gonna keep me really busy with PhD stuff too but lots of money, between scholarship and that I'll be getting around $700 in my account every week. Crazy.

Who wants to rent somewhere with me?

Things seem to be picking up with Jo, but I think everybody has noticed that anyway. Still not official, but if/when it is facebook will tell you all :P

No need to explain the plan

2009-02-11T16:16:00.000-08:00

Seems about time to look back and reflect on how each of us have grown and changed in the past year or so. It's not like we ever notice ourselves aging but every now and again you think, "fuck where did those years go?".

(spent some time trying to decide if it should be ageing or aging, both look odd but both are correct. Any opinions here?)

So I started typing up whether or not I thought people had got where they wanted to be and if they seemed on track but then decided it was a little too judgemental because who am I to say what's on track etc. Though I do need to comment about the ever expanding, contracting and splitting "group" that was once so tight. We're certainly splitting up a whole lot quicker than before. There's the ones that are peeling away to spend more time with their respective partners and occupations and then there's the ones who are out boozing it up partaking in random craziness on a regular basis and there is also a bunch of us floating in between. Not that it isn't expected, I just find myself at somewhat of a junction. Where do I want to be?

I want a little from each side I think, so maybe I'll keep floating in the middle. I wish we had more decent weekend nights out though, so uni doesn't suffer, the fact that I'm blogging at uni is bad enough. I think we need some good solid nights out in a new atmosphere. Also I still really wish I could get outta home into my own place but I don't see that happening in a hurry these days.

What the hell am I doin here? X539

2009-02-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

I'm in one of those old "weird moods" where I don't quite feel myself and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because this is the first day in a while that I haven't had an energy drink in the morning. Maybe I should crack that V in the fridge.

I wish I was special..

Still haven't spoken to my dad. I had Rob spend all day on facebook the other day convincing me that I should, and how he's a good person and how much he misses me. Made me feel pretty down. If it was just one fight that went wrong then who cares I'd have forgiven him. It's not even that I'm overly annoyed at him anymore, I just don't really want to be near him again. He's not a very good person and one of my biggest fears is to end up like him. I don't see how I can possibly owe it to him to try to make amends, he writes off people in his life all the time. Though I guess that's me being like him there isn't it. Why do I feel so guilty?

As far as my love life, who the fuck knows...

If love were a whisper

2009-01-31T17:53:00.000-08:00

We're all somebody's love and somebody's jerk. We're all trying to fit into a mold that doesn't really exist... Ok so don't really know exactly what I'm saying with that but it inspired me to attempt to write a song (or a poem with a basic chord structure jammed on to it :P ) If I get anywhere with it I'll publish it here, if not who cares it's entertaining me.

So far to add the the man-whore comments I've been getting, Rach called me a girly boy and Jo said I have gay features... wtf. To top it off, the usher at "Zanna, Don't" thought me and Rick were a couple. Albeit the Audience was 95% gay it was still a bit wtf.

I'm in such a strange mood today. Tired and confused.

Who wants to go to dreamworld/white water world for a weekend in march? Seems weekend flights aren't as cheap as midweek so the return flights are probably gonna be about $220 depending on when we go. Say the same for two nights accom but split between however many people come. so Hopefully we get at least 4 of us so accom would be only in the $50 ballpark... Any takers?

Another round

2009-01-29T14:25:00.000-08:00

Currently posting to distract myself from an extremely painful back. Hopefully it goes away before tonight, for "Zanna, Don't". Well other distractions showed up an hour ago so it's mostly gone now. Woo!

I took today off uni since I'd have to leave early for tonight and woulda had to drive separately from Ben and then I'd have left even earlier since I didn't have to stay for him, then I guess the nail in the coffin was the back this morning.

I should really still try to do something relevant today, but it's so hot and I haven't played guitar in ages and I'm really enjoying just sitting here with music on.

I often say on this thing how I've changed recently. Been changing along the same direction as every other time I've said it, but it feels like in the last 2 months it's been somewhat more rapid. I feel happier but I still don't know if the change is a good thing. Last night I introduced myself as an alcoholic and a manwhore.

You've all be so nice to me

2009-01-24T23:55:00.000-08:00

I'm going to try to keep this thing more frequently updated these days. The last week has been a blur. A very alcoholic Song 2.

I know I say this far too much, but I should really cut back on the drinking. I need a non-alcoholic alternative to fun.

I should really put more focus on uni stuff from now on.

I'm your leading deletion

2009-01-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

I said that I wouldn't get drunk last night. Then I went ahead and got drunk anyway. Damn it. Oh well, it happens.

As fun as getting wasted and finding women can be, I'm beginning to dislike my new years resolution. I should start accepting bets on when I'll crack and end up with a girlfriend. :S

Chelsea Dagger

2009-01-21T22:14:00.000-08:00

Ok since I made this new blog it's pissing me off that I couldn't get chapter-five instead or anything similar. Though I guess it could be construed (thank-you Chrome's spell checker) as a new volume instead. I usually make a new blog around about an epiphany or sorts. Also my speakers have finally died, so I don't have and music on to pick an appropriate title, going to have to hi-jack Kev's computer to sort that one out soon.

Life in general is fairly good. As always I can (and will) complain but overall I'm fairly happy. Complaints include massive bouts of self-doubt with this Ph.D but they come and go. Most of today I spent sitting thinking no idea what is going on... then at 4.30 I managed a really simple short calculation which really doesn't get me any closer to any goals but it was just enough to make me feel like I'm actually doing something.

Also I think this place is as good as any to clear up what people have apparently been saying about myself and Jo. I don't know who's said what but I've heard from a few people that it's been spoken about at least at some point and most of you seemed to have the wrong idea. Primarily I want to say, no I'm not leading her on whatsoever. A few people have said stuff along the line's that she really likes me where I'm pretty certain this is wrong. We spoke about it because people saying this to me forced me to bring it up with her on several occasions and again with Nat to confirm. Also a few people have been badmouthing her and the people who have been don't know her so I don't understand where that comes from. All that having been said now, I'm sticking to my resolution and not trying to jump into another relationship for the sake of it. But I still think she's hot :P

I've found this single life great for being able to go out and get wasted and do what I like without upsetting anybody but I must confess, I still hate the sitting around at night watching tv alone. And the no sex thing really sucks too.

This is the last song

2009-01-16T17:18:00.000-08:00

I know I'm notorious for changing my blog address, but sometimes I just feel like a change. When I look back and read old blogs, I like to think each blog as a different volume in the story that is my life. Maybe one day I'll publish the writers notes; 'Appendix A'.

Well I'm a PhD student, I'm making it in to uni 4 days a week at the moment, hopefully soon I'll make it 5. I still don't know what I'm doing, but I feel like I'm at least learning something. Slowly. Though my first lot of money came in finally, so I can do stuff again. I've managed to keep myself rather busy lately and I'm starting to feel good about everything again.